Break Even
by IsleofSolitude
Summary: Three hearts that Rukia carry with her, and one heart that she does not.


Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

"_Cause when a heart breaks it don't break even"_ –The Script

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><p>"Break Even"<p>

On nights when there is the smell of pine in the air, Rukia thinks on the one memory from _before_, her one memory not of an orphan scavenging (stealing, really, but where did the rightful owner get it from anyways?) for water and food and protection from the bitter elements. Rukia runs and protects and scavenges/steals and gives and then she stops, the smell of pine fragrant in the night.

Once, there was a small home. It's blurry, as most old memories are, and areas that she doesn't remember are vignette black. Everything is fuzzy. There's a fire, warm and comforting for now, but then in that time before she completely falls asleep will turn scary with shadows that stare at her.

Hisana is there, and in her memory Rukia is calmed because her sister's hands are gentle, even if slightly calloused from work, as they bring the pot from over the fire to settle it near her in the cozy hut. As she watches, Hisana (a faded blur of gentleness and coughing and smiles) dips rags into the water and turns to the third person sharing the warmth with them.

As Rukia names her—_Mother_—her sister drapes the rag on the swollen belly of the woman and murmurs gentle words. Their mother is in pain, lying on her back, shuddering and jerking so much that a blanket has slid off her. Her mother (less of a person and more of a concept of love and duty and words and ideas) is in pain, and even Hisana's gentle hands bring no relief.

Sitting a few steps back, waiting for her chance to help, Rukia watches, hands clenched to her knees. She vaguely hears the wind outside, and as she waits, even the sounds inside fade. Hisana says nothing more than murmurs and shushes, and her mother groans and moans. It's white noise, all of it.

And then there's a painful scream, followed by a silence that is louder and more painful than anything. As Rukia catches her breath, a soft cry is heard. Hisana motions her forward, and Rukia clambers to her sister, a warm blanket in her hands.

It is a boy, and Rukia moves closer to the warm fire, mindful of the fact that there is so much blood around her mother, mindful of her sister's drawn, dim face as she tends to their mother. But the only non blurry image is that of her little brothers face as he nestles closer to her. After using the rags to wipe him clean, she is surprised to see that he is still so pale. She tucks him in tighter, holds him closer, hoping that he will warm soon. His eyes are violet, like hers, but his have flecks of hazel that she can't stop wishing to see.

His breathing is watery, and Rukia cannot see how that is a good thing. His breath hitches like he's about to cry (in pain) so she rocks him in her arms and hums a wordless tune, hoping to draw comfort him. He stops fidgeting and snuggles against her, and the little girl smiles as she imagines her heart telling him bedtime stories. She drops her lips to his fuzzy head.

She is still holding and humming to him as he dies just a scant half hour after he discovered the world. Her father buries him under the pine tree near their hut.

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><p>Rukongai is the Heaven that Shinigami promise when they flatter you and help you pass from the mortal world. It is full of promise and love and hope.<p>

If a soul gets lucky, that is. Rukongai can be Heaven, or it can be purgatory. It can be similar to what you did before you died (bicker and fall in love and feel shame and friendship) or you can create a whole new existence.

However, Rukongai District 78 is as close to Hell as Rukia thinks is possible (No, she does not want to think about those last two districts. Those are unthinkable and she refuses to spend her sleep in nightmares). But while she got her afterlife off to a rough start (alone again and hungry, cold and thirsty), she finds that even in hell there is hope. Hope, for her, is four little thieves with grubby faces and stinky feet.

After that first moment when she aided their escape, they formed a little family, as much as Renji wanted to scowl and deny it at first (jealous boy). She and he lead their little gang towards water and food (although the other three do not need to eat, morsels of food are great for the spirit) and laughter and smiles as well. Years pass and Rukia knows that afterlife is hard and difficult and that everything that shinigami said was wrong, but she can't help but be happy and content.

When Yuusuke takes a wrong turn while trying to get away (for once they weren't the ones who stole!) and is stabbed and beaten, at first it is nothing more than a little worse than normal. But during the night his breathing becomes harsh and the wound won't stop oozing sticky yellow puss. Rukia stares, the taste of pine lodged in her throat.

Renji and the other two must forage for supplies and food, because she will not leave his side. She keeps a fresh stack of wet rags, and packs healing plants on his side, but he grows paler and sweat drips down his bony sides.

She sits beside him, holding his hand in both of hers, fingers on his wrist as he sleeps, the pain rolling off him. She feels his life there, a steady drum-drum-drum that is off beat with hers. But she hopes like never before that his beats will keep coming right after hers, that her friend will keep following her example like he follows her orders. It is not long until his wrist falls limp and she feels only silence beneath her fingers.

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><p>Kaien-dono is a breath of fresh air, a new beginning that she isn't sure she deserves. To get to this point, she has literally been to hell and back, she has made a family and then lost a family only to become part of a new family that she isn't sure is a family at all. She has suffered curses and whispered gossip and two faced people that make her wonder who really have souls and who don't.<p>

But now she is in a division and her captain and vice captain don't care that she is weak (oh so weak in so many ways) but they continue to smile and push her, and in Kaien-dono's case, tease and yell at her.

Rukia wonders if it's just her mind that the sky here is so much bluer than in district 78, or that the smell of pine is nowhere ever. It doesn't matter eventually, and she stops looking over her shoulder and flinching when there's the sound of running feet as she walks through the hallways. She's finally at a place where she can belong.

Most of it is because of her vice captain. He scolds and pushes her so much that she is too busy reacting to even notice her own fear and inadequancy. By treating her normal, the other members of the squad chuckle and include her in their stories of how their vice caption strung together such an expressive insult to correct one of their mistakes.

It is when they are training on the mountain, with the blue sky and the gentle insults, the wind in their hair and the ice on her blade, that she smiles with her eyes and he smiles back.

It is not love, not entirely, but it is wonderful and simple and joyful.

And then there's a night where the sky is so blue it's black, and the wind blows around her as her captain explains the two types of fights, and then her happiness that she didn't deserve is impaled on her own blade, and he smiles at her even as he chokes on his own blood, and she is left wondering how much longer did his heart beat after his wife was killed, and how does hers beat so fast when it is so heavy?

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><p>The number one rule of capture is to continue to train your body and your mind, and watch your enemy for any chance to escape.<p>

Squad 6 is not her enemy, and she sits in the uncomfortable chair they provide her without even a once around for possible routes out. She lets her legs fall asleep, ignoring the tingly sensation that fades into numbness. Rukia keeps her eyes on the window, not pondering how to open it, but because it's a spot to stare at while her mind blanks out.

It is in the blankness that she can finally feel the ice again, a feeling that has been gone from her these last two months. It is faint, coolness against the back of her neck, but it is a start and she allows a little sigh of relief, grateful to have the lady of the snow with her again.

But the smile that may have formed is replaced with a scowl, as she remembers against her will the reason for Sode no Shirayuki's absence. The guilt swells up again as she thinks of his face after she kicked his hand away. She wills her mind blank again.

As far as cells go, hers is not so bad. It is lit by the sun, but is not set out to be painfully so. Her chair is simple, but it was provided to her. And every day, a shinigami comes to clean it. She thinks the boy is simple, but there is a kindness that oozes off of him, and a hidden strength that resonates in his eyes and quiet tone. He's the type of person she would be proud to call a friend, but the friendship of a criminal who is supposed to be executed is not the type of gift she would ever give someone.

Executed. Does she deserve to die for her crimes? She doesn't know. She wishes she could believe what Renji said, that she will be slapped on the wrist but ultimately pardoned. Does she deserve that, even? Transferring her power to a human in order to defeat a hollow, failure to report back to Soul Society…No, she does not think those crimes are deserving of death.

Again, _his_ eyes flash in her mind and she grits her teeth and bows her head as the shame fills her being. Her only death deserving sin was the one she did to the boy she called friend. That orange hair little brat who couldn't even let her protect him right and had to come and ruin her breakaway…How could she leave him to die alone?

Of course, she didn't know if he was dead or not. He had lost a lot of blood, but Uryuu could have regained consciousness or a passerby could have stumbled upon them and taken them to get help. Rukia didn't know, and couldn't know…but if he did die-there was so much blood and it was so cold and rainy—then she did deserve death. While Soul Society's laws were indeed wrong to break, the offenses that she committed to Ichigo—she had no right to say his name—were heartbreaking and horrible. She hoped that he survived, but hope failed her time and time again. She had left him to die alone, and to die alone herself would be the only penance for such a sin.

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><p>Written inspired by Rukia's determination to not die alone in Hueco Mundo.<p>

Oh my gosh. I had such trouble writing that last part of it. I tried three different starting points and nothing wanted to come. Grr. I hope it doesn't feel out of sync with the rest of the story. I am really interested to hear what you guys think!


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